Welcome to the World of Woman

I'm on a journey. A journey towards Womanhood. Yes, I know, I'm already 31. In some ways, I'm very much a woman. In other ways, I'm still only 13.

In March of 2008, I went off of the birth control pill. I thought, "Hey, I'm ready to be a mama. I'll get pregnant the first month I'm off the pill, because that's the most fertile, right? And next year, I'll have a baby!"

That's not how things went. As you're probably guessing.

So, I had three periods, that kept getting longer and longer apart, until after the third one, they stopped. That was June 2008. By September 2008, I was a bit upset. I went to see my doctor (Thanks, N) and discovered that I had Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), which is where there are lots of little cysts on the ovaries from half-ripe eggs. The most Western medicine could do was to describe the condition, and tell you what is correlated with it, not why it happens.

I did a lot of research about it. I kept hoping to find a magic bullet that would tell me why my body was doing this, so that I could take a pill or something and have it be all better, so that I could absolutely avoid looking at my own habits for things that might need to change.

I saw a nutritionist (awesome woman who looks at the whole woman, including emotional and spiritual in addition to physical - Thank you, S). She had me get some blood work, which confirmed that I'm hypoglycemic, which is one of the things associated with PCOS.

Meanwhile, in my head, I knew that I wanted to become a mother. I also knew that I wanted to do it in as natural a way as possible, with as few as possible chemical interventions. Going a more natural way, was incompatible with my general impatience, and the idea that I started the year with - i.e. that I should be pregnant by now.

I had a lot of grieving to do. I had to let go of my preconceived notions about how this would all go. I had to let go of My Timetable - i.e. my perception of my family's timetable or What's Always Been Done aka having babies in your mid-twenties. I had to let go of my impatience.

Because the two ideas - getting pregnant now and being naturally supportive of my body - seemed to be incompatible, I had to pick which one was better for me. I picked letting my body figure out what it was about in its own time, since I have time.

So, having shifted the focus, at least in verbage, I started seeing an acupuncturist, because I like their holistic, integrated approach, even if I can't fully explain it. It felt right. I picked a wonderful acupuncturist (Thank you, D) in my neighborhood, who I've been seeing since January. She's very empathetic, and gentle. I loved the needles and herbs right away. I also like the nutrition and lifestyle suggestions she made - except for one.

She, along with my nutritionist (from an ayervedic perspective) and all the western suggestions for treating PCOS, strongly suggested cutting out sugar. HUGE RESISTANCE! How could I ever do that? Well, I eventually did. I began slowly, by increasing the amount of proteins I was eating to give myself more steady energy. That helped some. But I wasn't fully there. Mostly, I didn't want to accept that this was something that would actually be good for me to do. I didn't want to change. I thought it would be too hard. I liked desserts too much. A million other excuses.

In March 2009, I had plateaued. My acupuncturist finally said, "Velma, you're really hard to help."

That sunk in. Here I was, paying people to help me do something I wanted to do, and I was resisting the very things they suggested that would help me get to where I wanted to be. It was also around this time that I had several helpful conversations with friends. One shared that while she can't physically have kids, she absolutely know that her children are out there and she'll find them at the right time. (Thanks, P.) Another shared that if my desire was to have a baby, then there were western drugs I could take that could help me do that (Thank you, S). Both of these ideas helped take the pressure off, and helped me reach that zen spot about the whole baby thing. I finally accepted that yes, I do want to support my body naturally to figure out what it's about, and yes, I can reach a point where I can try western drugs to help, and yes, we can adopt too.

And, I finally accepted that not eating sugar was something that I wanted to do. Then, really, I just kind of stopped eating it. All of the prep work, and diet changes previous helped, but it was the removal of the mental block that allowed me to do it. So, I stopped eating sugar. I accepted that to be how I wanted to be (fertile) involved change.

A few weeks later, I had my first period in nine months. It was hard. It arrived at 4am, with a massive, doubling over, cry out in pain cramp. It was really hard to be grateful. It also came with grand emotionality. I was Kali with a vengence. I was so crabby. I was weepy. I picked fights. I yelled. I felt like a self I'd not ever really been. I felt like myself without filters. Without the ability or desire to keep any peace, serenity or calm. All of the things that usually bothered me that I could let go, I couldn't let go. They just bothered me and I said so. To Mark. Forcefully. Not eloquently. Not in a way that could be heard. It was traumatic. I got triggered. I triggered him. It was not pretty. It lasted a weekend, and was gone.

A month later, I had a more moderate level PMS for a week. Still the filters were off, but I had moments of clarity. I was a little better about giving myself space. It was still traumatic.

This is where I feel like I'm 13.

So, I'm 31 and I'm having PMS for the first time in my life. I'm being Welcomed to the World of Woman.

I'm extremely grateful that my body is making progress towards being more hormonally balanced. I didn't expect the journey to be so rocky or dangerous.

I don't really know how to handle it. I'm just beginning to understand the signals. I'm just beginning to get some ideas about how I might better take care of myself during those times, so that I inflict less pain on myself and others. I also want to learn how to honor and communicate the conflicts that arise during those times. I probably am too easy going the rest of the time. Maybe I can learn how to voice what's bothering me more of the time so that it doesn't have to explode to be heard - by me or others. (Thanks, D)

Any experience, strength or hope you have would be appreciated.

Namaste.

Whew

The last two years have been doozies. I just created a list of major events because I couldn't keep it all straight. There is so much that has happened and changed in my life. I feel like youth is definitely over. Over the years, I've heard people mention Saturn's Return as a really challenging, changing time of life. I just realized that that time is now. Yes, it sounds really woo-woo, but it fits. Here's a description of Saturn's Return that describes my last two years better than I can.

Major events
February 2006 - agree to get hitched
March 2006 - start working at Save-the-Redwoods League, changing family dynamics
June 2006 - Turn 28
October 2006 - get hitched
March 07 - Mom goes missing
April 07- Move to Precita
June 07 - Turn 29
Nov 07 - Mark got 3 months notice
January 08 - Mark's last day at cnet

Ongoing for the last year
Lots of personal reflection
Cleaning up our financial house
Lots of gardening
Mourning Mom

New Moon Circles aka Goddess Gatherings

I have been known to occasionally get a little woo-woo. Depending on your own experience, I'm either a light weight or kinda crazy. I'm ok with that. Over the years, I've put a lot of attention to coming to peace with the more feminine aspects of life - emotions, sex, mothers, being a woman, being around women.

There are many things that have helped me along the way, including (but not limited to):
Succulent Wild Women by Sark (Thank you, SK)
The Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler
The Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd
Smart Women Finish Rich by David Bach
The Soul of Money by Lynne Twist
Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman
The Red Tent by Anita Diamant
Al-anon
The Women's Temple (Thank you, Diane)

One of the most healing experiences on my journey has been the times when I have been in a circle of women intentionally gathered to acknowledge and celebrate being women.

Because this has meant so much to me, and because I have so many wonderful women friends, I like to host Goddess Gatherings. These have evolved over time from simple pot lucks to the "New Moon Circles." In preparing for the last goddess gathering, I had a desire for a little more formality. I wanted to have a circle, with an opening, some substance and a close. In doing my research, I discovered new moon circles. They cross cultures and have many forms, from pagan to jewish. It seemed to me like a simple, yet meaningful structure to apply to the gathering.

So, the current model of gathering is a little woo-woo, a little jewish, a little red tent, a little burning man, and all about women celebrating women.

Here's a little of the background on the circles I found while preparing for the last one. I'm very much looking forward to future circles, which I predict, over time, will grow in richness and meaning.

All Ancient Cultures Honored the Moon
In the twenty-eight day lunar cycle, the New Moon, sometimes called "the dark of the moon," is recognized by indigenous people around the world as an especially important time - a time of energy and potential, a time to make and renew commitments, a time to plant seeds for the future.

Native American Women's Circle
The women of the White Buffalo Society meet once a month during the time of the new moon, to come together in harmony and trust and healing.We hold Women's Circle to nurture ourselves and each other, to heal the mistrust that stems from too much compromise in a world overcome with greed and violence and addictions. We gather in a circle, where none is more important than the other, and we drum and rattle and sing songs. We talk about what it means to be a woman in these times of uncertainty and very fast living, how hard it is to trust each other, and how vulnerable we feel about sharing our deepest concerns. Sometimes we cry together, and sometimes we laugh; we comb each other's hair and massage each other's feet. Through Women's Circle, we learn to support each other and empower ourselves.

Rosh Chodesh
Rosh Chodesh, the celebration of the beginning of each month in the Jewish calendar, has blossomed into a celebration of women and femininity. While Rosh Chodesh exists as a women's holiday in traditional Jewish sources, the connection has been made much stronger with the emergence of the women's movement, and the establishment of women's Rosh Chodesh groups. There is no one way to celebrate Rosh Chodesh and there are no rules for establishing a Rosh Chodesh group. At the core, it should be comprised of women who gather on a monthly basis to celebrate the new month and their lives as Jewish women.

Hope

Some mornings, I wake up to the news and don't handle it well. That's a really hard way to start the day. Darfur. Iraq. Suicide bombs. Refugee camps. Guantanamo. Torture. Miramar. Dictators. Military governments. Riots. Deaths. Trials. Secret memos. Election. Street violance. Identity theft. Indictments. War. Villages destroyed. Kids with no toys. Kids eating processed foods. Kids without insurance. Kids without parents. Kids without homes. One man's hope is to take a second wife, so that he can make more boys to fight the terrorists.

All of that was in the morning news - the 30 minutes I spend cuddling with Mark in our warm bed as we gain consciousness. Usually, I think, "That sucks. I'm going to go help save some trees today," and get on with my day. I get the day off today, so I have time to sit with the news.

And it SUCKS! I'm sitting here crying because I don't know what to do. I don't think I can do anything. I don't know where to start. There's so much that's wrong with the world. I feel guilty - for my prosperity. for my warmth. for our food, especially the non-organic, junk food. for my general complacence. for not wanting to know what's going on in the world because it hurts too much.

Two days ago, I finished the book Animal Dreams by Barbara Kingsolver. It's going to be with me for a while. Someone in that book dies while working to do good in the world. I haven't experienced death much. It has a big effect on me. The death of this character and her story in the book makes all of the news so much more real to me. so much more human. That's probably why I'm so affected by it this morning. I can practically see the faces.

The character in the book writes in a letter, "Here's what I've decided: the very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof. What I want is so simple I almost can't say it: elementary kindness. Enough to eat, enough to go around. The possibility that kids might one day grow up to be neither the detroyers nor the destroyed."

That last sentence has been stuck in my head.

As an american, I'm one of the destroyers, by paying taxes that subsidize wars. by buying food produced with poisons and wrapped in oil. by filling my gas tank. It's depressing.

The character also writes, "Wars and elections are both too big and too small in the long run. The daily work -- that goes on, it adds up. It goes into the ground, into crops, into children's bellies and their bright eyes. Good things don't get lost."

So, now, I'm going to go for a walk. I'm going to visit a neighbor and see her sunflowers. I'm going to go get a few items for tomorrow's picnic. I'm going to let the word hope rest in my brain and see what comes up. There's got to be something in there.

ODAT

From the long forgotten folder in my desk drawer at work, tucked in between letters exchanged in the 1970s...

"There are two day in every week about which we should not worry; two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.

One of those days is Yesterday, with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. All teh money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word said... Yesterday Is Gone!

The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow with is possible burdens, its large promise and poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control. Tomorrow's sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds...but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.

This leaves only one day...Today! Any man can fight the battle of just one day. It is only when you and I have the burdens in those two awful eternities - Yesterday and Tomorrow - that we break down.

It is not the experience of Today that drives men mad... it is the remorses of bitterness for something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring.

Let us, therefore, live but one day at a time."

I was suprised to find this little bit of wisdom in a stack of old papers that came into my perview at work. I'm really grateful for the reminder, especially at work right now, because I'm heading into my busiest six weeks of the year. And sometimes, if I don't focus on what I have to do TODAY, I feel like I might drown.

It's not fitness. It's Life.

BREAKING NEWS!

I joined the gym today. This is something I've been grappling with for about six months. Living in the Mission and working downtown, it's been difficult to be as active as I like.

A Little Background
I'm the first to admit that I've never been the jock type. I have never been confused with Sporty Spice. I took Dance PE (yes, the one featuring square dancing) in high school. That's about it. There was a period of about a year where I was biking up mountains and such, but that was in Portola Valley and a whole different story. For the vast majority of my life, I've simply been moderately active in my daily life. Fortunately, that seems to work for my genes and my jeans.

Status Quo
There's the usual walking around to go places, but there's not much aerobic activity. My commute is: walk one block, ride BART three stops, walk one block. I don't walk when I get home because I'm not fond of being single in the mission at that hour, especially now that it's dark. I like to bike, but not where I have to pay that much attention. So, I don't. Basically, it's just not as pretty (or safe) to go for a walk in the city. So, I don't. If it weren't for Laura, I would hardly go for walks at all! Fortunately, she reminds me that we can go outside at lunch time.

The Struggle
I don't like the idea of gyms. I don't like the idea of machines. I don't like the smells and I generally don't like the people. I've occassionally visited such places known as gyms and didn't find much appeal. And I really don't like the idea of paying somewhere for the privilage of helping me break a sweat.

The Process
Soon after starting work at Save-the-Redwoods League, I began to see the Status Quo developing. Where, for the first time, there's not very much activity in my daily grind AND there's not easy opportunities for other outlets of energy. This also coincided with my growing understanding of what it means to take care of myself. I don't need to "work out" to look good. But I have noticed that I felt better during the times in my life when I was most active. S l o w l y, I realized that being active and feeling better is a form of self care and that I'm Worth It!

So, I visited several gyms. This one was too far. This one was too full of itself. This was was too gross. Just call me Goldilocks! Finally, I tried the gym across the street. Several of my co-workers are members there and like it. It's called Equinox. I liked it. The people are nice, even the salesmen. The gym is clean and not smelly. It's in a beautiful building. There are plenty of varied machines. The classes are conveniently scheduled - for people who have regular 9-5s. It has a steam room! And did I mention it was across the street? During the trial visit, I timed that I could get to the gym and back to the office in an hour.

The only problem was that it's pretty pricey. Besides the monthly fee, there's the initiation fee. It's taken me Several Months to get used to the price tag. Oh! and the committment thing. I have to sign up for one year before it goes month to month.

So, I joined today. The initiation fee was waived. My membership starts on Dec. 26, when I get back from our honeymoon. And in three months, SRL will start kicking in some money towards the monthly fee, which makes it a little easier to swallow.

I'm pleased with my decision. I'm looking forward (!) to going to the gym. Who knows, it might even be fun!

Next up: Honeymoon Part 2: Yucatan. (For Part 1, see Mark's post.)

Shoes

Check it out! I have new shoes. Well, they're not really new shoes, but new-to-me shoes. I've had a mild obsession with shoe shopping as of late. In the last two weeks, I've been in ... (I had to stop and count) ... at least 10 shoe stores, only two of them thrift stores. And you might as well call me Goldilocks! This pair was too shiney, this pair was too square, this pair was too dull, this pair was too uncomfortable, this pair was too expensive, this pair was too narrow... and on and on... Yesterday at lunch, I checked out one final shoe store, one that carried Dansko's, where I was hoping to find a comfortable pair of cute shoes. But I didn't like any of those either! So, I gave up. I thought - to hell with it. I'll just survive with the two pair I have until some show up at the thrift store.

Last night after work, I had to go back to the thrift store on the corner to get them to take the electronic buzz thing out of the shoe that they missed. I checked out the shoe rack because I had a few minutes and, lo and behold, I found five pairs of shoes! Considering I had been there two days before, I was amazed. Thank you, HP!

So, the black flats and brown low heels in the picture are from yesterday's shoe binge.

You might be wondering what brought on this mild obsession. This is where this gets a little wierd - at least for me.

A friend of a friend is a fasion consultant. I've been thinking lately that it would be nice to get a little advice on how to wear the umpteen skirts I have in my closet and how to update my wardrobe a bit. Working downtown and living in the city, I'd begun to notice that I was still dressing just like I did in highschool and college - cords and crew necks. I didn't want to be that person who was still wearing sky high bangs to the millenium party. And I also wanted to dress more flatteringly to my feminine frame. But I don't have the time or desire to figure it all out on my own. So, I got in touch with Voleine of Strut: style know how for today's young woman.

After filling out a questionaire and talking with her on the phone, she came over and we did a "Closet Sweep." I showed her all the things in my closet, tried on things when necessary and put things either 1) back in the closet after hearing what I could wear it with, 2) put things in a pile to be altered, or 3) put things in a pile for Good Will. The pile for Good Will grew to fill a garbage bag. The pile for altering only had two things in it, one of which I gave to a friend it might fit better and the other going to storage. As for the things in my closet, including the 16 skirts, I learned the types of clothes and shoes that I could wear them with, most of which I didn't have. I did a (for me) major shopping trip last Saturday. I got several tops and the pair of gold flats in the photo. I learned that with my brightly colored skirts I can wear black, brown or white tops and black, gold or brown more delicate shoes with tights. This is very exciting for me - except for the fact that I have a white cat and that I'm spill prone. But, heck, I'll give it a try. That is why I was obsessed with finding the right shoes, so that I could easily get dressed for work and not have to wear the same clothes I've been wearing for ages.

For the last three days, I've worn my "updated" look and I've gotten many compliments. It's been pretty easy to figure out what to wear. I've been comfortable (i.e. not too cold) and it's been fun.

What's wierd about this is accepting that it's ok to spend money on clothes and that it's ok to look good. Those are things that I historically haven't placed a high priority on. I'm experimenting, trying this on for size, and taking it one dressing day at a time.

As for being married for six weeks now, it's good. It's not much different than before, except that I don't have a wedding to plan and I have time to think about how to take better care of myself, which is nice.

....

Next time on Velma.org: Is Velma becoming a gym rat? Aren't there other ways she can get her heart rate up? Stay tuned! The sage of self-care continues to unfold...

....

And now it's time to help Mark fold laundry.
Happy Thanksgiving!

Marriage

Where I grew up, girls were expected to grow up to be pretty women to find a man to marry and take care of them and then have his children. If you went to college, it was to get a richer, smarter man to marry and take care of you and then have his children.

The more I thought about this, the angrier I became at this. I had only seen dysfunctional marriages, and I DID NOT want that to be my fate. I did not want to be a wife. Wife became one of the dirtiest words I knew. Wife meant subservient, psychotic, dysfunctional, hypersensitive, co-dependent, under achieving woman who didn't know her worth and let patriarchy and her husband think for her. Marriage, then, was an institution that saw women as weak and irrational, saw men as uncompromising and insensitive, and promoted unhealthy relationships between them.

No, thank you.

I did not want to be a wife. I did not want a husband. I did not want to be married.

And such was the case for a very long time.

So, what happened?

The first thing that happened was that when I was 16, I made a commitment to myself. I "married" myself. I promised to take care of and cherish me for the rest of my life, because I realized that NO ONE ELSE was responsible for my happiness and well-being. Only me. I couldn't and didn't want to wait for my "Prince Charming", my "husband" to come and make my life alright. I realized that I was the only one I could depend on to know and work towards my best interests, so I gave myself a gold band, which has never been off my person in the last 11 years. For my ten year anniversary, I gave myself a diamond ring.

Then, over the years and relationships, I became better at being a partner to myself and to my boyfriends. I began to see and seek out examples of other healthy relationship models. I practiced being the kind of partner I wanted. I increased my awareness of my feelings. I changed my reactions from bottled-up outbursts to verbal acknowledgments of what was going on with me and in the relationship. This was followed by discussions (not arguments) to understand the dynamics and figure out how we could work better as a couple, so that both of our personalities were respected and our needs met. This involves collaboration, cooperation and compromise. It also involves great love and respect for oneself and the other person. One of the biggest things I've had to work on was believing that my feelings are valid and worth voicing.

More recently, in the last several years, I've realized and accepted that I would like to raise a family. And that I would like a committed partner to join me in that adventure. And that the adventure would be more fun and easier with the support and help of a community of loving friends and family. And that the community would be more committed to helping if we publicly acknowledged our commitment to each other and to them.

So, now. Mark and I are getting hitched. Mark and I are making a commitment to each other for our lifetimes. One could also say that we're engaged to be married. I (and he) still have challenges with that specific set of words, because they are so loaded with negative associations for us in this culture (see the first paragraph). For the sake of convenience, we're using those words occasionally anyway, but not before we've fully picked them apart and are aware of the potential, stereotypical pitfalls they bring.

As for the other cultural traditions that are associated with marriages, such as engagements and weddings, we're picking those apart too. We're examining them for the parts that we feel good about and are changing the rest to something we believe in. This may make some people uncomfortable, but, when it comes down to it, this is how Mark and I are starting the rest of our lives together, and we need it to be true to us.

So, in summary, the fact that I'm even ok saying "I'm getting married" is HUGE!!!! It is a REALLY BIG DEAL. One reason I can even go here is because it's on our terms, not society's, not my family's, but Mark's and mine. Mark and I are the ones figuring this out and we're excited.

Dirty Laundry

There's a lot of heavy shit going on. There's a lot of hurt feelings, anger and fear. Family stuff is tough. Every family has laundry. Sometimes it's clean, sometimes the mud is flying. Right now, we could use a lot of stain remover.

Considering that everyone deals with stuff at one point of time or another, it's nothing to be ashamed of in my opinion. It's a time to ask for help, love, forgiveness. These are the times that make us grow, that build character and that make us better, stronger, more loving people.

In the end, it's not about being right. It's about loving and being loved. It's about listening and forgiving, not just each other but ourselves as well. We're here to build bridges and strengthen connections. Being self-rightous, indignant, stubborn and unforgiving, just leaves us miserable and alone. Everybody's right and everybody's wrong OR nobody's right and nobody's wrong. It really doesn't matter. We all make mistakes. What matter's is how we deal with ours (and others) mistakes. Are we honest? Do we make changes so that we don't make the same mistakes again? Do we learn? Do we forgive? Do we love? After all, we're all just doing the best we know how. But today may demand better than yesterday's best. We have to ask if we're up to the challenge.

We need to ask ourselves what is most important in our lives. And build our lives and actions around that. For me, it is most important to love and to be loved. To surround my self with caring people who listen, talk, learn, share, laugh, cry, forgive and grow. To be around those people, I have to be one of them. Sometimes it's hard to remember to do, but I try. I depend on my friends to help me question my actions and be the best person I can be. And then, to celebrate the process with me.

I learned this from some amazing people, especially my father. He's had to remind me to be better than I was being many times in my life. He's helped remind me of what's really important. He's helped me remember that things always work out for the best and sometimes we just need to let go of our fears, our need to be right and our need to know. He's helped me remember to trust - not just my self, but the goodness of others and the universe.

I know that we'll get the stains out. I hope that it will be sooner rather than later. Life is too short to let one moment of shared happiness go by. Change is hard. But it's worth it, because at the close of this cycle, the happiness we experience will be greater than we've known. At least that's what's happened before in my experience...

When Religion and/or Spirituality Meet Politics

George Lakoff drew this connection most directly, albeit simply.

In Lakoff's linguistic study politics, he noticed two family models that correlated roughly to progressive and conservatives. (This is very simplified. For a more detailed version, read at least the first essay in Don't Think of an Elephant.)

The conservative family model is one based on an evil, scary world that needs a strict father to protect the children and teach them morality and right from wrong via punishment, so that they can succeed in the world by making a lot of money.

In some denominations of Christianity, god takes the form of the strict father who will punish you with hell if you do not obey his rules about right and wrong. If you do obey, you are rewarded with success, which is heaven. This is the kind of god that I do not believe in and that contributed to my leaving the Christian faith.

What happens when this meets politics is a lot of what we've seen the last five years. The successful (i.e. wealthy and therefore moral) are rewarded by paying less taxes. With less tax revenue, this justifies cutting aid programs for the under-privaleged, which would only keep them from developing the discipline they need to succeed. The rights and choices of women being downgraded because they did not obey their father and had sex anyway. The list goes on...

The progressive family model is one where nuturant parents believe the world can be made a better place through empathy, cooperation, fairness, freedom, opportunity and open, honest, two-way communication.

In some denominations of Christianity and other religions, god takes the form of the nurturant parent (male, female and/or both) who gives unconditional love and support.

The resulting politics is one where individuals and communities contribute resources for the common good which enables individuals to succeed, i.e. make the world a better place. Those resources are taxes. The common good benefits from the FDIC, SEC, our highways, cleaner air and water, among other things government created. Basically spreading the wealth around a little bit, because not everyone had an even playing field from the start.

Lakoff points out that most, if not all of us, have some combination of both of these models in our personalities. This definitely rings true for me. Even while typing this, I feel the tension between a strong Darwin streak and compassionate empathy. While I've been generally trending towards the more progressive side for a while (ok, maybe that's an understatement), that I recognize the strictness within myself, I hope is a tool for futher understanding and communicating with the conservative, partial progressives that are our there.

Religion

At the Spiritual Activism conference, there were a lot of religious types, as attendees and at the podium. At times this was challenging for me, because I have long ago left religion and not looked back. I was confirmed in the UCC Christian Protestant denomination. (They aired commercials last year openly welcoming gays and lesbians. Note: not all congregations are that open.) After I was confirmed, I stopped going to church. The only real reason I had been going was the youth group. I soon found that the ties there were pretty shallow.

After UCC, I attended a tiny Unity church for a couple of years. I was the only high-schooler in the congregation. I appreciated that the adults treated me with respect. I learned a lot of important principles there. Unity is a lot like the Unitarian Universalists - both take a more pan-religious approach to being a good person. It was here I first learned about other major world religions. Then, for various teenager related reasons, I stopped going. The only people this really concerned was my grandparents, devout Missouri Synod Lutherns.

So, the conference was definitely the most exposure to religious stuff I'd had in over a decade.

And, ya know, I was pleasantly surprised. I didn't realize that there were so many progressive, open religious types out there. Part of this conference's purpose, was to give structure, strength and courage to the religious progressives, so that their voice can become as strong as the voice of the religious conservatives. I hope it works.

Quotes from the conference

Jim Wallis, author of God's Politics (which is now on my reading list), was one of the keynote speakers.
"Religions' job is to pull out our best stuff."
"Seperation of church and state does not equal segregation of values from the political discourse."
"Faith is about changing the big things."
"We have a choice between hope and cynacism. Hope is believing in spite of the evidence and seeing the evidence change. Cynacism is a place for people who once believed the world could change and is a buffer against committment."
"Vocation is where your gift meets the crushing needs of the world."
"All major progressive movements [abolition, women's suffrage, civil rights...] were fueld by spirit."
"We are the ones we've been waiting for."

Quotes from the Dalai Lama, Ethics for the New Millinnium
"Religion I take to be concerned with faith in the claims to salvation of one faith tradition or another, an aspect of which is acceptance of some form of metaphysical or supernatural reality, including perhaps an idea of heaven or nirvana. Connected with this are religious teachings or dogma, ritual, prayer, and so on....While ritual and prayer, along with the questions of nirvana and salvation, are directly connected to religious faith, these inner qualities [love and compassion, patience, tolerance, forgiveness, contentment, a sense of responsibility, a sense of harmony] need not be, however. There is thus no reason why the individual should not develop them, even to a high degree, without recourse to any religious or metaphysical belief system. This is why I sometimes say that religion is something we can perhaps do without. What we cannot do without are these basic spritual qualities."

In my opinion, the Dalai Lama rocks.

Disclaimer

For the next little bit, I'm going to be processing (and posting) my thoughts and feelings from the Tikkun Spiritual Activism conference I attended last week. I didn't really want to go to the conference. But I was drawn there by the possibility that I might learn to better talk about my politics in terms of values (think Lakoff), which, I have to admit, some religious and spiritual types do better at than us secular progressives.

I was also drawn to the conference because I'm at a place in my inner journey where I could grow from being around others on a similar journey. Religion and spiritual stuff, especially in groups, has long gotten great resistance from me. It's easier for me to talk about sex and vaginas, than it is to talk about a higher power (see? i can't even say god!) and spirit. (This is because I've done A LOT more work around sex, my body and femininity.)

Many of you have expressed curiosity about the conference. Many more of you also recognize the need to talk about politics in terms of our highest values. That's where this is, hopefully, going.

So, in the mean time, bear with me as this gets pieced together. AND!!! let me know your thoughts, feelings and experiences with this stuff. At the bottom of each post is "comment," which when clicked will take you to a place to leave some words to share.

THANK YOU!!!

What is Spirit?

This was a big question that many people addressed the first day of the Tikkun Spiritual Actvism Conference, which I attended last week.

Because spirit/spirituality can mean many different things to different people, I'm beginning the discussion here so that we can have a common understanding when talking about this in the future.

For me, spirit is caring. That's the simplest, least new agey way I can put it.

At the conference...
- Berkeley Prof. Michael Nagler said, "Spirituality is an attempt to grow in sensitivity to ourselves, other humans, non-human creatures, and to God beyond totality."

- Einstein said (quoted by Nagler), "A human being is a part of a whole, called by us 'universe', a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest... a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."

- Thandeka, Unitarian-Universalist minister, theologian and author, said, "Spirit is not I, it is between I and thou."

But, I feel the Dalai Lama (not at the conference) says it best so far, in the book Ethics for a New Millinneum.

"Spirituality I take to be concerned with those qualities of the human spirit -- such as love and compassion, patience, tolerance, forgiveness, contentment, a sense of responsibility, a sense of harmony -- which bring happiness to both self and others."

I like that he connects the "qualities of spirit" with the reason we care - happiness. What happiness is is a whole other can of worms. My working definition is a feeling of satisfaction. Different things may satisfy different people, but the basics we all mostly agree on - shelter, food, a feeling of being loved and loving, and generally not suffering.

It's also important, I feel, that he brings in "and others," which is what ties this to activism and politics. A desire to bring increase the likelihood of happiness for others (thereby improving our happiness, if we're particulariy empathetic to the woes of the world) is the often underlying reason for why activists are activists. I most often hear it communicated as wanting to "make the world a better place" or "save the world" (which is what I've always said). But what's "better" and "saved" can be as diverse as the people doing the "bettering" and "saving." So, I'm going to start talking in terms of happiness (if I can handle the new-agey quotient;-)

That's about all of this I can handle right now...

Next up, Religion!